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Waving the White Flag

July 22, 2009

Guest-blogging today over at Infinite Summer:

My name is infinitedetox and I am an addict.

Some time around May, 2004, I willfully entered into a relationship with pharmaceutical opiates. It began as a sort of experiment, quickly escalated into a recreation, and from there vectored toward present-day dependency on a straight line whose slope was gradual, but unwavering.

In December of last year it became apparent that this line would never flatten out or stabilize on its own, that it would just keep trundling on upwards, tending toward infinity given infinite time. This is when I started to get scared.

Read the rest over at IS

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 22, 2009 9:16 pm

    Thought I’d comment over here rather than at IS. Great post, a nice summary and development of what I’m seeing here at your blog. I thought the comment about working up something to keep you off Substance for the post-IJ days was really helpful, maybe give you some additional confidence when we head down the last 100 pages or so.

    By the way, I smoke Raid, or, um, cigarettes. Maybe I need to work a bit harder at seeing myself in IJ, or at least, my wife wishes I would!

  2. July 22, 2009 10:08 pm

    Bravo on trying again, and best wishes that this time things work out. I went through rehab almost twenty years ago, and a hospital program for depression after I had my second child a few years ago. Both of these experiences are very present as I read IJ. I enjoy the drug and rehab passages, and the humor, and the truth, and wonder if others “get” them in the same way I can. Not sure that makes me lucky, though, eh?

  3. twentysomethingbore permalink
    July 22, 2009 11:12 pm

    I just read your post on Infinite Summer and had some of the same thoughts someone else mentioned with regard to what you see DFW saying about addicts. I understand your point about revealing how the mind of an addict can go to this place that is pathetic and full of fear, but I was wondering if you think he is also saying something about how so many of us go to the same place. I was just writing a post about the connections he makes between addiction and depression/anxiety and the similar thought process (fearful and illogical thought processes) that people who have those disorders deal with. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you want to read my post.

  4. infinitedetox permalink*
    July 23, 2009 9:12 am

    Twentysomething: I’d love to read the post — got a link?

    G.D.: Thanks for the kind words, and congrats on the rehab. Sometimes when my mom is feeling chatty I can draw her out on the apparently wicked bad post-partum depression she experienced after having me, so I can sort of empathize…

    Tasks: In all honesty my Raid-stick stance is not quite as principled as I made it seem over at IS. Yes, the idea of inhaling flaming bug spray is terrifying, but before I even learned about this, when I was back in H.S. some friends and I went through a phase one summer where we would head down to the town park around dusk most days and toss a frisbee around as the lights were coming on, smoking Black & Milds the whole time. These are fond memories, and I understand how in some ways tobacco exerts a stronger pull socially/culturally than chemically.

    But what happened was, I had a freak softball-sized tumorish thing pulled out of one of my lungs when I was 20, and while the doctors assured me it had nothing to do with B&M’s or Bob Hope or anything stupid I could possibly have done to myself by then, that considering all the tender delicate scar-tissue my lungs would now be filled with I should probably pause for careful consideration before filling my chest cavity with smoke of any kind.

  5. July 23, 2009 10:09 am

    This is a really nice description of the process of surrendering yourself to the book. Doesn’t happen that often but reading a Really Good Book can feel like a monthlong act of coitus. It is great to be allowed to peer inside your reading experience and quitting experience this way.

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